i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
