I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize