Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
