Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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