Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
