The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
don't judge my taste in strippers
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I could fuck to npr.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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