Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
