tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
