I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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