Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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