What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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