remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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