In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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