My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
