Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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