Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
