I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
