I skipped work to stalk him.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
