Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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