I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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