Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
