So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
