I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
