she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
