My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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