His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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