her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
