mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
