I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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