paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
