I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
