I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
