she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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