I met the friendliest cop last night
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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