He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
