we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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