I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
