see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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