Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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