Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize