I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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