proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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