dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
