How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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