So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
