doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
