I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
