i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
