I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
