First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
