my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
