I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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