when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
