sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
