God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
