Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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