If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
