you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Randomize
