Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
