fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
