I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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