Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
