pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
