The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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